Chapter
4
(9th April 2000):
The
Dear
Folks.
It's
me, Gráinne, ready to share my newest antics with you. The biggest news: they
call me the "Puppy Garden Dropout". I behaved so badly every Friday
night that Mummy and Daddy got tired of being the class dummies and being told
they were doing everything wrong although they did their best to follow Thomas'
instructions. This past Friday was the straw that broke the camel's back, when
after Thomas called the whole gang together to tell them what losers we are
(while, by the way, I sat politely at Mummy's side), he pointedly said that
some people make their dogs hyper (Can you believe it? My boring parents?).
Mummy said later that she began to wonder why we went through this and whether
this kiss-kiss "nice girl" stuff is as appropriate for a terrier as
for a border collie with no personality of its own. She had fed me whole
pocketfuls of reward crumbs until I didn’t care whether I ever saw one again
and played with that stupid ball on a string. I'm not going to play by those
rules; only a stupid border collie that stares at his owner from birth is going
to do that junk. I grab the string; if there's anything else more interesting
in the area, I grab it. I can get balls at home. The next morning she bought me
a choker chain and dug out the doggie seat belt. I knew it then: "Happy
days are here again". For them but not for me. I heeled like a whiz (on
the leash); no sense in taking any risks with that thing round my neck. Mummy
decided to use the iron hand, dropped out of puppy garden and Daddy agreed. I
guess I've had it. Might as well give in gracefully so as not to lose snout.
I
was quiet all day today to make up for the stress I caused them Friday and
Saturday morning (jumping all over the car). This afternoon we went for a walk
with Rambo and he told me, too, where to go! I'm losing every round these days.
So I decided if I can’t get my kicks, I might as well get some pats, and
cooperated. In order to stay in their good graces, I think up some new tricks
now and then to make them laugh. After they had taken seven ticks off me in
less than a week, Daddy found out that 1/4 cup of buttermilk daily, taken
internally, is supposed to keep them away. "And how do you get that 1/4
cup inside the dog?" asked Mummy. Daddy shrugged. I had the answer: put it
in my bowl, the faster the better. Now all I have to do is make sure the ticks
stay away so that I keep getting the stuff.
My other new love is the shower.
Not a shower, the shower. After my walk it takes me three leaps
to land in the shower (the one downstairs) I wait and wait and wait until
slowpoke Mummy gets her dirty shoes off, coat hung up, and she suddenly
realizes that I'm missing. If I'm dirty enough, she cooperates and turns it on.
What she hadn’t grasped until today yet is that all I want is a drink of
running water. I certainly don't want to get more than my feet wet. So we've
compromised; if I'm not muddy, she holds me up to the faucet at the sink so
that we don’t have to go through the toweling-off and-cleaning-up-the-floor
bit.
You
wouldn't believe how I can put Mum to work. Daddy pushed this machine around
the yard last week, then another one that tore into the ground and pulled up
tons of moss. Can you imagine how many wheelbarrows full of feathery moss that
could be? He raked, she raked, he raked. Still, there's so much of that stuff
lying around that I can bring in a whole houseful every time I go outside. She
vacuums, he vacuums, she vacuums. And sweeps. And mops. The only problem is
that I get brushed twice a day instead of once in the attempt to keep my silky
coat (That "soft-coated" bit ain’t in my breed name for nothin') from
matting. Pictures should be matted; not dogs, she says.
Love
and Wheaten greetings (vertical jump, vertical kiss, ending at the top of your
glasses),
Gráinne na Dun na nGall
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11. April 2000: An e-mail from Grandpa
Thema:
What? - A drop out? Datum:
11.04.0003:36:51 (MEZ) - Mitteleurop. Sommerzeit
From: bhoff@abts.net (R Hoffman)
Dear
Gráinne,
The course of growing up, like that of love, never runs smoothly. Your human
cousins also sometimes find it difficult to agree on what are the real goals
and values, even after their adolescent years. We hope that you and your
parents can come to a common mind about such things. (...)
Slurp,
slurp, or whatever passes for good wishes. And love to Dad and Mother.
Grandpa and Grandma.
13th April 2000: Dear Grandpa... - Gráinne answers
That's
right; a drop out. Mum says that home school is better than being the class
dummy. Here at home everybody tells me how bright I am and that motivates me to
bigger and better achievements. This morning Mummy was home from school with a
throat infection (I think she just wanted an excuse to drink a bottle of
homemade elderberry juice with lemon juice and honey) and tried to keep me out
of Frau Sievers' way. Mummy suggested that I go get my rope and bring it to her
to play with. Before I had time to remember how dumb I am supposed to be, there
I was back with my rope for a round of tugging. Rambo came over for half an
hour at lunch time and I learned immediately that he is the alpha dog and I am
better off in the bushes, letting him use my bed and toys. It kept me from
being bitten and got me a cookie afterwards for being a good hostess. Mum told
me that she had had to go through the same process with a little girl from
Australia named Bronwen Jeffries, so she's just passing on the training she got
from Grandma.
I
know the difference between come and come here, sit, heel, no, down, no biting,
no pulling, go piddle, look in your dish (if we're in the kitchen) and my
favorite: good girl. They say the next two lessons are stay and lie. I'm great
at routine: when Daddy gets up from the breakfast table I take up position at
the front door. It really gets my goat when he sneaks out the back door. After
our nap is walk time, except today when Daddy wasn’t home, Mummy in bed and it
was raining cats and border collies anyway.
One
of the advantages of home school is that I don’t have to compete with dogs that
stare at their owner, waiting for him to breathe. You see, I'm smart enough to
decide for myself when to aspirate. Another is that I don’t get so hyper with
one or two dogs during social studies lessons as with a dozen. Mummy says I
won't often meet more than two at a time in real life anyway. Thirdly, I can
learn at my own rate of speed, in terrier gear. Everybody loves me and says
what a bright girl I am; my antics are enjoyed and I'm not being pressed into a
mold. Mummy loves me, Daddy loves me, Frau Sievers loves me, the neighbors love
me. What more could I want? (Except maybe a dozen dogs to play with.) As long
as I get my buttermilk, bananas and Red Delicious apples, preferably peeled so
that I don’t have to do it myself. They can keep the carrots.
The
other day I lost the first of my baby canine teeth and dribbled blood all over.
All the front teeth are in now. Mummy pulled two of them for me. My crooked
lower ones are straightening out a bit - hope I can escape getting braces.
Teeth are my most important feature, you know. I use them to greet people,
steal things and wreck shoes, play tug-of-war...
My
daddy has one vegi bed spaded, too, and I have a big hole in it. What luxury,
digging in that soft soil. He keeps the door to the greenhouse closed. Do you
think he's keeping my next present a secret in there? We have forsythia,
daffies and hyacinths that Mummy wont let me eat. The wisteria, which has the
first buds in its five years, is too high for me to reach.
Yet.
I can steal things off the table already!
I can’t wait to meet you. By then I should be able to show you the official Wheaten greeting. Up 'n at 'em! Tomorrow is the last day of school, to be celebrated with a ball at the ballroom dancing school in the evening if Mummy's cold is better. Then I’ll have them at home for two weeks except when I go to Uncle Gerd's over Easter. My folks say they will have time to do some serious work on riding in the car with my seat belt, staying and lying. Uuh-oh.
Slurps and nips and hugs around the leg. I'll bet I can reach Grandma's tummy already!
With
love from Mummy and Daddy, too.
Gráinne